If you’re going to kill yourself, why don’t you sleep with me first? P1

Man: “Your shoes are off, you’re going to jump, aren’t you?”

Woman: “Like you said, I’m just about to jump. What’s it to you?”

Man: “Oh good!”

Woman: “I’m sorry?”

Man: “I mean, you’re going to kill yourself, right? If you’re planning to jump from here.”

Woman: “That’s right.”

Man: “If you’re going to kill yourself, why don’t you sleep with me first?”

Woman: “I’m sorry?”

Man: “You don’t often meet people who are about to kill themselves.”

Woman: “…”

Man: “And yet I’m lucky to just happen across such a beautiful woman.”

Woman: “Um, can I jump now?”

Man: “You heard what I just said, right?”

Woman: “I did. You asked if I wanted to have sex with you.”

Man: “Heh, that’s right. That’s my only goal. Don’t worry. I don’t have the slightest intention of stopping you from killing yourself.”

Woman: “Can you just go now?”

Man: “I don’t have anywhere to go. If there was, it would only be between your bosom.”

Woman: “Can I jump now?”

Man: “Why?!”

Woman: “Look deep and ask yourself that.”

Man: “Come on. I don’t have any right to stop you. Just perhaps let me ask you a single question.”

Woman: “Just one.”

Man: “Were you wearing white panties three days ago?”

Woman: “… what?”

Man: “‘Why does this strange man know what colour panties I was wearing?’ That’s what your face looks like right now.”

Woman: “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Man: “Heh, I’m just some ordinary guy who can’t get any unless he pays for it.”

Woman: “I wasn’t asking that.”

Man: “So why do I know about your panties? That’s simple. For the last week now you’ve been trying to jump from the roof of this apartment complex. Right?”

Woman: “So you’ve been watching me since a week ago?”

Man: “To be precise it wasn’t you but rather up your skirt. You were getting ready to jump and kill yourself, but you always stopped right at the last moment, hey.”

Woman: “…”

Man: “Let me tell you, a week ago when I looked up at this building I was surprised. Like, ‘Ah, panties!’”

Woman: “So the first thing that caught your eye was my panties?”

Man: “Of course it was. I mean there aren’t many opportunities to see a lady’s panties.”

Woman: “You really know how to talk to someone about to kill themselves.”

Man: “It’s the other way around. It’s because you’re about to silence yourself that I can say all these things to you.”

Woman: “So what was it, you want me to sleep with you?”

Man: “Heh, if you like I can sleep with you.”

Woman: “No thanks.”

Man: “Huh. You really are quite a difficult person.”

Woman: “I’m quite normal. You’re the strange one. Even in the world after death there’s no-one that would sleep with someone on their first meeting.”

Man: “For sure. It’s too sudden.”

Woman: “If you understand then good. Well then, see you later.”

Man: “Why are you trying to jump again?”

Woman: “So I can die.”

Man: “Wait. We haven’t slept together yet.”

Woman: “I have no intention of sleeping with you.”

Man: “Right now, yeah?”

Woman: “For the rest of my life.”

Man: “That’s why you can’t end it right now. I haven’t finished talking. Actually there’s something I really need to ask you.”

Woman: “What is it?”

Man: “Why aren’t you wearing a skirt today?”

Woman: “What are you trying to say?”

Man: “Heh, when you look up towards the sky from the bottom of this building you can see it shining brighter than the sun. Your panties.”

Woman: “Just how much do you like panties?”

Man: “It’s the thing I most look forward to these days. And so why?”

Woman: “No reason. I just didn’t feel like wearing a skirt today.”

Man: “So what you’re saying is that sometimes you don’t wear a skirt?”

Woman: “That’s what I’m saying.”

Man: “Well, could I have you go and get changed into a skirt for me then?”

Woman: “If I had that much time I’d just kill myself without delay.”

Man: “Why are you in such a rush to die?”

Woman: “Because I want to die.”

Man: “You can do it, can’t you? I mean in the end you’re going to die anyway.”

Woman: “What do you mean?”

Man: “Once you decide to die, doesn’t that create some leeway in your heart?”

Woman: “Leeway?”

Man: “I mean, whatever happens now, you’re going to jump. You can end your life whenever you want, so whatever happens you can feel relaxed and at ease, right?”

Woman: “It’ll all become naught, it’ll all be ended… the result has been decided.”

Man: “Which means you can let most things go, right?”

Woman: “For sure. I can see where this is heading.”

Man: “So, sleep with me.”

Woman: “In the end it was all about that, huh?”

Man: “Do you not want to sleep with me?”

Woman: “Am I okay for you?”

Man: “Good job answering a question with another question!”

Woman: “It’s better than your words and conduct. But yeah…”

Man: “Oh? Have you finally come around?”

Woman: “That is correct. It’s probably not a bad idea to be useful in the last moments of my life.”

Man: “I’m glad you’re able to grasp the situation so quickly.”

Woman: “Of course. I’ll alert the police.”

Man: “Fu…”

Woman: “I”ll say this now. It’s not a threat.”

Man: “I see.”

Woman: “This is how the world is. If a woman like me reported you, you know what’ll happen, right?”

Man: “Ah, you’re so naive.”

Woman: “I’m naive?”

Man: “You planned your death. You’ve gotten all your affairs in order, yes?”

Woman: “Well…”

Man: “You’ve cancelled your phone, prepared a will and such, that’s more than enough evidence that you planned to commit suicide. And I mean, if you cancelled your phone you can’t really call the police, can you?”

Woman: “Ah…”

Man: “So in the end the only choices you have are, you can sleep with me and then die, or you can alert the police and hang around in this world some more.”

Woman: “Both are hell.”

Man: “So, what’s it gonna be?”

Woman: “…”

Man: “If you’re quiet I’ll be gentle.”

Woman: “Aaaahhhh!!!! Someone help me!!!”

Man: “What?!? Even though you’re gonna kill yourself you’re screaming for help!?”

Woman: “I’m going to get rid of you and then I’ll kill myself.”

Janitor: “What happened!?”

Man: “!!”

Woman: “There’s this really weird pervert…”

Janitor: “Why are you barefoot?”

Woman: “Huh? Oh, no… I just wanted to feel a little free…”

Janitor: “You wanted to feel free.”

Woman: “I… I did. It’s uh, I was imitating that singer, cocco.”

Janitor: “I’m sorry, but could I get you to come down from the rooftop now?”

Woman: “…”

Janitor: “Before you know it more and more dark thoughts keep surfacing these days.”

Woman: “I understand.”

Janitor: “Thank you.”

Woman: “Okay.”

Man: “Wow, that was a surprise.”

Woman: “Aah! Do… don’t scare me like that.”

Man: “Oh. That’s the first time you’ve looked shocked at me.”

Woman: “… I’m sorry?”

Man: “Oh no, not at all. At any rate when you screamed out and that lady came I freaked out.”

Woman: “That’s the janitor.”

Man: “I hid without thinking.”

Woman: “You hid?”

Man: “Hmm? You didn’t notice?”

Woman: “I was preoccupied with the janitor.”

Man: “When she pointed out your shoes you got flustered, hey.”

Woman: “… shut up. Putting that aside, how did you hide anyway?”

Man: “Huh?”

Woman: “There’s nowhere you can quickly hide behind here.”

Man: “You should be familiar with the sight from the top of the fence here.”

Woman: “I should… oh, right.”

Man: “Did you finally realise?”

Woman: “You managed to hide yourself quickly behind the rooftop fence?”

Man: “Correct. Although it may be small it was a great place to quickly hide behind.”

Woman: “…”

Man: “Wait, where are you going?”

Woman: “I’m leaving.”

Man: “Hey hey hey, why?”

Woman: “The janitor asked me to.”

Man: “When you leave here what are you going to do?”

Woman: “For now I’ll return to my apartment.”

Man: “Eh? You’re not going to die?”

Woman: “…”

Man: “I see. So it’s like that.”

Woman: “What are you smiling for?”

Man: “Now you’ll go back to your apartment and together we’ll…”

Woman: “No!

Man: “No?”

Woman: “To start with, why would I even invite you into my apartment?”

Man: “… so you prefer to do it outdoors then?”

Woman: “Before I kill myself I think it would be better if I killed you first.”

Man: “So you’ll become a criminal?”

Woman: “It’s all the same in the end isn’t it?”

Man: “If so then why don’t you sleep with me?”

Woman: “I’m done with this conversation.”

Man: “We’re on the elevator but what floor is your apartment on?”

Woman: “I’m not telling you.”

Man: “I’m gonna find out now anyway.”

Woman: “Well what floor are we on now?”

Man: “The first. So your apartment is on the first floor?”

Woman: “No. Now I’m heading out for a bit.”

Janitor: “Hey. You going out now?”

Woman: “Yes, going to get an early dinner.”

Janitor: “I see. It’s dangerous out there so be careful on the street come nighttime.”

Woman: “I will. I’m feeling that right this very minute. I’ll take care.”

Man: “Hang on, you’re leaving the apartment?”

Woman: “As expected I can’t go back to my apartment now.”

Man: “Why?!”

Woman: “Asking why in this situation, you’re amazing.”

Man: “I mean yeah, I’m a guy who has to pay for it, but if there’s a technique that can satisfy a single woman…”

Woman: “Die.”

Man: “Since we first met we’re not that friendly, are we?!”

Woman: “It’s better than you asking me to sleep with you. I mean, please go kill yourself.”

Man: “And now advising me to kill myself. Furthermore we’re at McDonalds now.”

Woman: “I’m eating here today.”

Man: “Huh?”

Woman: “I don’t care if you join me, but I’ve made the decision to eat here.”

Man: “What about eating at home?”

Woman: “No.”

Man: “Okay, I get it. But I’m not gonna eat anything.”

Woman: “Are you sulking?”

Man: “It’s just, hey. At a big franchise like this…”

Woman: “Uh huh. Well I’m going in. I’ve fully decided. You’re not going to eat?”

Man: “I’m not hungry.”

Woman: “Then go get me a seat. I’m starting to see why you’re a virgin.”

Man: “… you’re getting more and more cheeky now. Isn’t that a little much?”

Woman: “You’re the last person I want to hear that from, Mr can’t get any unless he pays for it.”

Man: “…”

Woman: “…”

Man: “…”

Woman: “Why are you suddenly so quiet?”

Man: “Never mind, hurry up and eat.”

Woman: “You want to go back to my apartment that much?”

Man: “No. Doesn’t matter if it’s your apartment.”

Woman: “Nowhere is good for me.”

Man: “Look just hurry up and eat, please.”

Woman: “Why are you rushing me so much? This is my last meal.”

Man: “Your last meal is McDonalds. You’re gonna regret that when you die.”

Woman: “Yeah, Freshness Burger was probably a better choice. And I mean I don’t even like McDonalds anyway.”

Man: “… then why did you come here?”

Woman: “I wanted to check something.”

Man: “What do you mean?”

Woman: “You’ve heard the saying ‘Hunger is the best sauce,’ right? I think that saying expresses precisely the fault in all humans. Because we’re hungry, food tastes good.

Man: “Ah, I think I see what you’re trying to say.”

Woman: “Knowing that this is my last meal I wanted to know if anything would change. If it does change, then it makes my death after this feel all the more real.”

Man: “So how does the hamburger taste?”

Woman: “I don’t know. I feel like it might be better than usual, but it also might not be. Perhaps I don’t want to acknowledge that it tastes differently. I don’t know why I’d think that way though.”

Man: “I kind of understand how you feel.”

Woman: “Don’t say such gross things.”

Man: “Now now, there’s no need for that. Now listen.”

Woman: “… go ahead.”

Man: “You don’t want to admit that anything and everything could change with a single feeling. Right?”

Woman: “…”

Man: “As someone who is about to kill themselves, that’s not something you want to know. That single feeling that glittered until yesterday, that your intention to die could be shaken.”

Woman: “That I’m going to die is a matter of fact. That hasn’t changed, even now.”

Man: “No. I think if that were so you would be able to enjoy your last meal. With only a hundred yen burger your own will disappeared. Isn’t that scary?”

Woman: “This is a Big Mac, it’s not 100 yen.”

Man: “Stop missing the point.”

Woman: “Hmph.”

Man: “While we’re at it, there’s a part of you that thinks it might be nice to sleep with me. Isn’t that so?”

Woman: “No. That’s the one thing that won’t change even if I die. This fault in humans seems to come out only when it’s convenient. But there are things in the world that don’t change. My feelings are immovable.”

Man: “You’re amazingly stubborn.”

Woman: “I am. My will is firm like a stone.”

Man: “You have no sense of humour, do you?”

Woman: “… I’m not here to make you laugh. And stop making me talk about such strange things.”

Man: “Strange things?”

Woman: “Yeah. I can feel people looking at me.”

Man: “Even though you’re about to die you’re worried about whether strangers are looking at you?”

Woman: “Sh, shut up. I’m leaving here right now.”

Man: “It’s your last meal, you don’t need to eat it like that.”

Woman: “…”

Man: “You suddenly started devouring it, and now you’re not eating it at all… you’re all over the place.”

Woman: “Would you please be quiet.”

Man: “You ended up taking quite a lot of time to eat that, didn’t you?”

Woman: “Because it was my last meal. It’s only natural. Are you complaining?”

Man: “Not at all. Rather than that I’d prefer to talk about what’s happening after this.”

Woman: “I have nothing to talk to you about. And how long are you going to hang around anyway?”

Man: “Are you not planning to make use of my good intentions?”

Woman: “Good intentions?”

Man: “Before you die I’m trying to send you to heaven in bed.”

Woman: “I can send you to hell if you’d like.”

Man: “Ahahaha that’s impossible.”

Woman: “Yeah, I think so too… You’re really strange, you know.”

Man: “My courting behaviours?”

Woman: “Can we just please talk about something else?”

Man: “What’s strange then?”

Woman: “Everything, everything is strange. A normal person, when faced with someone about to kill themselves, would ask them why first, right?”

Man: “What? Do you perhaps want me to ask you why?”

Woman: “N, no. Don’t get the wrong idea.”

Man: “If it’s why you won’t sleep with me then I’ll listen.”

Woman: “You just keep bringing that back up, don’t you?”

Man: “Well even if I listen to why you want to kill yourself it doesn’t mean you’ll sleep with me.”

Woman: “You’re so persistent!”

Man: “Talking seriously, even if I ask why you want to die it’s not very interesting, is it?”

Woman: “Not interesting…”

Man: “I mean I can guess. I’m not terribly interested in it though.”

Woman: “You don’t care what you say, do you?”

Man: “Not really. Because it’s true. For me, I have more interest in your reasons to live than your reasons to die.”

Woman: “My reasons to live?”

Man: “I think your reasons for living are far more ambiguous than your reasons for dying. And moreso than your reasons for dying there are so many different things. If I’m gonna ask you something it would be that.”

Woman: “My reasons for living… well, just because, I guess. I’m not dead. Somehow I’m alive and so I’m living. Something like that, I don’t really have a reason for why I’m alive.”

Man: “But isn’t that okay too? The reason that you spend your whole life looking for but never find. That reason that even if you die you won’t understand. Isn’t that a beautiful thing?”

Woman: “… are you indirectly trying to stop me from killing myself?”

Man: “No, not at all. In the end my only goal is your body.”

Woman: “You keep bringing that up at every chance! There really are things in this world more painful than death.”

Man: “I’m sure there are. But in this world…”

Woman: “There are people worse off than me who are still doing their best. Are you really gonna say that same old crap to me?”

Man: “Wow, is this that so-called cold reading?”

Woman: “There’s only so many things you can say to someone about to kill themselves so anyone could guess that.”

Man: “I suppose that’s true, yes.”

Woman: “It’s strange to look relatively at such misfortunes. What does my unhappiness have to do with anyone else’s unhappiness?”

Man: “You are entirely correct.”

Woman: “You agree with things so quickly.”

Man: “I do. That’s what I said, isn’t it? I have no intention of stopping you from killing yourself. I would like to have a physical relationship with you just once, and that is more than enough for me.”

Woman: “There’s nothing I can say.”

Man: “Huh? You mean you will?”

Woman: “Of course not!”

Man: “You’re scary. Aren’t you starting to get a little too violent?”

Woman: “That’s your fault!!”

Part 2 | Part 3


** Translator’s note: The janitor remarks on the woman’s shoes being off. This is a common theme amongst Japanese people who are about to kill themselves by jumping off a roof. It’s very common to remove their shoes and line them up on the roof before they jump. Thus when the janitor saw this she assumed the worst (correctly) and asked the woman to leave the rooftop. **

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